Wednesday, March 13, 2013

Did you know the papal race is actually a sprint race? Weird.

Mary: Welcome back to the first ever live telecast of the Papal Race.
John: Held every four years, just like the Olympics.
Mary: Not once has that happened. 

Mary: After three false starts, the crowd is anxious that the race for the papacy will officially end today. But with 115 elderly contenders who are known to throw a few elbows, we could very well be here a while longer. Today's race will be underway any moment now, and it will consist of, once again, a 200-meter sprint within the Sistine Chapel. 
John: We expected a long conclave but the turnover between the false starts has been progressing much more rapidly than expected. This is a great relief to the crowd in the Vatican, who have been distracted by a seagull most of the morning. Some were saying it was a sign from God, others…making their own assumptions.
Mary: Before the race begins again, let’s take a look at the conclave’s frontrunners.

Mary: In lane one, we have Brazilian Archbishop Odilo Scherer, who would be the first non-European pope in nearly 1300 years. 
Mary: In lane two is Italy’s Angelo Scola, who is hoping to return the papacy to Italian hands after 35 years under German rule. Scola was a hot favorite for pope in the last papal race eight years ago but was tripped up by eventual winner Benedict.  
John: Literally.
Mary: In lane three is Canada’s Marc Ouelett. Wait a minute, where is he? I see him now on the sidelines. It looks like he’s limping and trying to get out of the race. I’m not so sure that’s a legitimate injury, seeing as how Ouelett once said that being pope "would be a nightmare.2" Let's see if his dream comes true today.
Mary: Lane four features Peter Kodwo Appiah Turkson, who could become the first African pope in modern times3. 
John: We are being asked not to make a correlation between the 200-meter dash in the Olympics games, where seven of the past nine victors were black.
Mary: Whoa! Turkson just shed his cardinal robes to reveal a sleek tracksuit!
John: We still can't comment on that? Really? 
Mary: Americans are hoping for Sean Patrick  “Cappuccino2”O'Malley of Boston or Cardinal Timothy Dolan of New York to come out with the gold. No American has ever won the papacy, and some cardinals worry an American pope's actions would be viewed as serving the U.S. instead of the church1.President Obama disagreed with this sentiment, but added that the pope can serve the U.S if he wants to because, "Hey, it's a free country, isn't it?!" 

Mary: Let’s go to the live picture.
Mary: The other live picture.

Mary: Close enough.
John: It seems our competitors are greeting each other with a good luck handshake. Let's get a closer look.
Scherer: Peace be with you.
Dolan: And also with you.
Scherer: GAH! I think you just broke my hand. That's my blessing hand!
Dolan: I have a confession to make. I'm glad.
Mary: Ha. Ha. I'm sure they're joking. Let's zero in on some of the other cardinals.
Scola: Have you thought about what your pope name would be?
Unknown Cardinal: Yes, I'd choose Saint Francis of Assisi.
Scola (mumbling): More like Saint Francis of a sissy.
Unknown Cardinal: What was that?

John: Enough with the cardinal chirping, let's get this race started! 
Mary: The gun is fired, and the race is on! 
Mary: Scherer is quick out of the gates, perhaps quick is too strong of a word. We’re hoping it’s not another false start, and no flags are raised! FINALLY! We will not being seeing black smoke after this race!
John: Cappuccino is hot on Scherer's tail going full steam in the "espresso lane", as he calls it. I wonder if those uniforms are tricky to maneuver..Speak of the cloth devil! Scherer is tripped up by his own robe! Oo, I don’t think he’ll recover from that one, Mary.

John: Scola, after easily edging into fourth, is trying strenuously to overtake Dolan on the first turn. Dolan is not even leaving enough space for Jesus! I bet Scola is wishing he had a pair of Dolan’s 63-year-old legs to beat him with!
Mary: That sounds morbid.
John: In the middle of the pack, we're seeing a not-so-surprisingly leisurely pace from Ouelett. It appears you can make him run, but you can't make him race.
Mary: I would not want to cross that man.
John: Well his pace would suggest that he doesn't want to be crossed himself.

Mary: Back to the front, we now have Turkson in the lead-
John: Big surprise. I mean, I am surprised, but also not surprised. He seemed equally qualified compared to the other competitors.
Mary: -with Scherer in second and….who is that in third?
John: I'm not sure; he wasn't one of the frontrunners we named earlier.
Mary: We'll find his name later. 
Mary: The cardinals are turning onto the home stretch! Turkson and Scherer are side by side with…Jorge Bergoglio it appears, breathing down their necks. 
John: They shouldn't make the elderly run like this. This is really uncomfortable to watch. 
Mary: Well, that's why it's not normally televised, John. 

Mary: There's 10 meters to the finish line. It's going to be Turkson! No, Scherer! Turkson! 
John: Is that the Holy Spirit?
John: It's Ber-go-go-goooalllllll with the win! Holy smokes! What a race! 
Mary: The white smoke is out, and the crowd is rushing the arena, trying to get to their new pope and hoist him in the air.

John: Oh goodness, No! Did he just fall down? I don't think the cardinals could handle another race! Oh, nope he's just Tebowing. 


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