Wednesday, December 11, 2013

The case of the mysterious unlocked door

We'rreeeee back!!!

We were welcomed into our home with a gift bag from our friendly, perpetually dry, upstairs neighbors Mark and Becky, who not only gave us chocolate, but wrote us a three-page note detailing our frustrating experience.
Like we don't remember, Mark and Becky
A pair of pears for a pair of us!
This must be the picture where I put the camera on self-timer and then ran into the wall,
causing Adrienne to fall into an unnecessary fit of laughter
Sentimental picture SUCCESS
Everything in the apartment was in tip-top shape. The contractors had taken our toilet paper holder and shower rod for some reason, but who needs bathroom fixtures when you're never planning on getting wet again?

The very first order of business was walking on our new carpet without making a squishing sound and then laying down on it while not getting wet.  I hardly recognized the scent of the place. It smelled like air. Pure, not-damp, free of black mold, air. Air that gave us life instead of implanting spores in our lungs that would slowly kill us. Ahhhh, it's the little things.

My apartment key was sadly a casualty of the flood, so I left our gloriously new apartment unlocked before I journeyed to work. When I returned home that night, I was greeted with a knob that wouldn't turn and a door that wouldn't budge.

But this couldn't be! I knew I had left the door unlocked. I had checked it twice, even. Immediately, a sense of betrayal washed over me like the Colorado flood.
Why apartment, why? After all of these months, through which my promise to return to you never faltered, do you lock me out now when I specifically told you not to? 

I knew i hadn't locked the door, I was almost positively certain. Perhaps my landlady had stopped by to make sure we had moved everything into our apartment from 5A, noticed the door was unlocked, and then locked it herself. That must be the case! I was almost positively certain of it!

I alerted the main parties in the lockout case. My sister asserted she hadn't been home since Sunday night, the neighbor had been at work and hadn't seen anything, and my landlady hadn't stopped by either. And I knew none of them believed my "It was unlocked and now it's locked!" story. 

"That sucks!" said my sister.
"Have some tea," said my neighbor.
"Haha, that's so strange!" said my landlady, who had previously been my prime suspect in the lockout case. 
"That'll be $50," said emergency lockout services.

The locksmith arrived and let me in. 
"Oo! Was it deadbolted?" I exclaimed, sensing a breakthrough. The door can only be deadbolted with a key from the outside, which would mean that someone else had locked it.
"Nope," the locksmith said gruffly.
My hopes and dreams sank, much like our carpet had when it was drenched in floodwaters two months ago. I thanked the locksmith, but I gave him a look to let him know I was going to get to the bottom of this. It was dark out, so I don't think he saw it, but I'm sure he felt it.

I moseyed into my apartment and sat on the dry carpet that apparently didn't want me to be there. After some quality moping time, I walked into the bathroom to continue being said. Oh the things I could have done with fifty dollars, like have it in my bank account, I thought. Then, I looked in the mirror and noticed something strange.
Shout out to Makenna Wesner for giving me an Alaskan flag
that conveniently doubles as half of a shower curtain
Looks like an ordinary bathroom, right?

Right! But it shouldn't! Yesterday, we were missing a toilet paper holder and a shower rod, and then magically today, we have those things. This means the contractors were here during the day, which means they locked the door while I was at work, which means I didn't lock myself out of the apartment, the contractors did, and my apartment still loves me!
BOOM! Sherlock HOMED.
Because this is a case about where I live
I should have known. It's always the person who isn't even on the suspect list.

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Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Thanksgiving Part II: The Boys of Thanksgiving (And How to Properly Ask Out a Girl)

I was asked out by two guys on the same day, and contrary to what every Hallmark movie has ever taught me, I did not quickly become wrapped up in a complicated love triangle where I start falling for one guy, the one that seems perfect at first but we later and sadly realize we have nothing in common, and then end up with the previously in second place guy. This was much more realistic. Because it just happened in real life.

The Ask-Out
Boy #1: The guy with the puppy asked Chris for my number the next day. He was nice enough, mildly awkward, but also had a kind of weird "I-like-to-twirl-knives-around-my-hands" personality. Since he didn't actually ask me for my number, I told Chris and Ad that they could give him my number if they told him I wasn’t interested in dating, only friends. To which he replied to them, "Friends, or friends with bennies?" How about NO.

Boy #2: I was sitting at the library and a guy from an adjacent table came up to me and said something like, "Hi, sorry to bother you, I just saw you sitting there and I was wondering if you'd like to get a coffee with me or something sometime?" I said 'Suuuuuuure' and he gave me his email address,, so I could set it up. He was also kind of awkward, had a dark, frizzy afro and wore glasses. I'm guessing he's a nerd of some sort, but I'm not sure what kind yet. Science geek? Gamer? Communist? Time will tell.

The Follow-Up
Boy #1: I was quite confident that Boy #1 wouldn’t call me seeing as how I wasn't interested in dating him. However, I was mildly incorrect. On Saturday, he texted me: 
Boy #1: Hey Audrey, this is Chris’ friend, Boy #1, I was curious if you’d like to do something this week?
I told him I probably wouldn’t be in Denver this week, but I’d let him know if things changed (they won’t), and the conversation basically ended there.

Boy #2: I wasn’t planning on contacting Boy #2, but my friend John told me I needed to live and little and I believed him. I sent Boy #2 my email address, saying it was Audrey from the library. He responded later that day.
Boy #2:
Wow, cool.

I'm studying right now, feel free to stop by, so I remember what you look like ;)


To which I am not responding. If he had a fluffy Burmese mountain dog puppy, it may be a different story, but in reality, I just can’t motivate myself to go out of my way to be friendly to someone I’m not too gun-ho about seeing.

I was surprised how these boys went about asking a girl out. I thought the proper way to ask was common knowledge, but apparently not. Boys, hopefully you’ll find these steps to be a no-brainer and these two guys are the clueless abnormality.

How to Ask a Girl Out

1) Ask her for her number. Don’t ask her friend to ask her friend for her number, or ask her friend for her number without considering that the girl you’re interested in may not want you to have it. It’s off-putting and mildly creepy to receive a text out of the blue from a guy who never actually asked you if it was OK to contact you. You’ll have much more success by putting on your man pants and asking the girl yourself.

2) Call her. The key word being call. Don’t text. Don’t email. Not only is it easier to reject you in writing, but it’s way more flattering to receive an actual phone call. Since we’re not in the ‘90s where you’d be shaking in your boots because there was always the chance that the girl’s dad could answer the phone, having to actually talk to the chick you like will have to be nerve-racking enough.  Texts are plentiful and calls are few and far between these days, so the girl will appreciate that you purposefully contacted her without the copout in your back pocket if she rejects you of, “Oh sorry, my buddy took my phone LOL. I wasn’t actually asking you out.”

3) Have a plan. Some sort of plan. Don’t say, “Hey do you want to do something sometime?” If she says, “Sure”, you best have a follow-up, boy. But do yourself a favor, and start off with something a wee bit specific, like:
“Would you like to get coffee this week?” [Yes] “Yayyyy! What day works best for you?”
“I’m going to try and trap a squirrel using a recycling bin, a stick tied to a piece of a string, and several glazed almonds. Would you like to come?”
“Here’s some chocolate. Can I eat it with you?” (Because foooooood)

While I thought being asked out would be at the very least flattering, the opposite happened. I was quite bummed out and had a bit of a self-esteem crisis for a few hours.  It felt like the lameness of the guys was a reflection onto me. A sneaky, vague text and an incredibly strange email? Is that all I’m worth? Then I discovered I was being silly, looked myself over and realized, Yep, still awesome.

So hopefully, those steps seemed like common sense to you. If not, for the love of your love life, take note.

*Note: If you use these steps and it lands you a date, I accept soft pretzels and cookies as payment.

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Monday, December 2, 2013

Thanksgiving Part I: The day that pretty much wasn't awkward

In this Part I of Thanksgiving, you’ll see how Thanksgiving Day was mainly a day of celebrating averting awkwardness.
In tomorrow’s Part II of Thanksgiving, you’ll see how the day after Thanksgiving I was asked out awkwardly by two guys. Excitement!

I spent Thanksgiving with Adrienne's boyfriend's (Chris) family, and I thought it was going to be quite awkward, especially considering Adrienne had only just met them a few days prior and she said there wouldn't be any board games or puppies to play with. But in a surprising plot twist, a bundle of fun was had. Chris' dad Cordell is super white despite his obvious black man's name and his mom Carol is super no-nonsense. Right when I walked in, she barked, "Adrienne's sister! Grab me that chair!" I fell in love with her immediately.

They also had a few family friends over who had kids our age that we dined with at the kids' table. Aside from the twenty-somethings, I had the great privilege of meeting a fourteen-year-old girl who was the most stereotypical teenager I have ever met. She had straight blond hair and wore black tights and UGG boots and whenever we talked about football, she'd whine and say, "Let's talk about the Kardashians! OhMyGosh so last week, Kim was...." She also pulled out her pink bedazzled phone and thrust it toward the ceiling lamp, which made Adrienne and I visibly cower in our seats exactly like when Belle tells Beast to step into the light.

Then, one of the guys there who actually lived in the neighborhood said he had a 7 month old golden retriever puppy at home. So a couple of us moseyed over there, took a shot of Thanksgiving tequila for good measure, then brought the dog back and made my dreams come true.

The awkward moments of the night were at an all-time low of two.
No. 1:
One of the moms, Cathy, said to Adrienne, “You’re so nice!" Then she turned slightly to look at me and didn't say anything. 
I said, “Cathy! You made it sound like you're actually saying, "Adrienne, you're so nice! Your sister on the other hand..."" 
Cathy replied, "No, I've just known her 30 minutes longer, so you have 30 minutes to catch up." 
"Well in that case, 'How are you doing, beautiful eyes."
Her daughter quickly jumped in with, "Hey, quit hitting on my mom!"

No. 2:
I left to use the bathroom and as I was leaving, Carol shouted, "First door on the left!" and then some other nonsense.
"Thanks Carol, but I've been there many times!" I shouted back.
Then I realized she wanted me to grab the Pictionary game, but instead everyone heard me yell about how much I like urinating in her house.

But other than that, not too shabby!

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