Tuesday, December 3, 2013

Thanksgiving Part II: The Boys of Thanksgiving (And How to Properly Ask Out a Girl)

I was asked out by two guys on the same day, and contrary to what every Hallmark movie has ever taught me, I did not quickly become wrapped up in a complicated love triangle where I start falling for one guy, the one that seems perfect at first but we later and sadly realize we have nothing in common, and then end up with the previously in second place guy. This was much more realistic. Because it just happened in real life.

The Ask-Out
Boy #1: The guy with the puppy asked Chris for my number the next day. He was nice enough, mildly awkward, but also had a kind of weird "I-like-to-twirl-knives-around-my-hands" personality. Since he didn't actually ask me for my number, I told Chris and Ad that they could give him my number if they told him I wasn’t interested in dating, only friends. To which he replied to them, "Friends, or friends with bennies?" How about NO.

Boy #2: I was sitting at the library and a guy from an adjacent table came up to me and said something like, "Hi, sorry to bother you, I just saw you sitting there and I was wondering if you'd like to get a coffee with me or something sometime?" I said 'Suuuuuuure' and he gave me his email address, russianspy####@gmail.com, so I could set it up. He was also kind of awkward, had a dark, frizzy afro and wore glasses. I'm guessing he's a nerd of some sort, but I'm not sure what kind yet. Science geek? Gamer? Communist? Time will tell.

The Follow-Up
Boy #1: I was quite confident that Boy #1 wouldn’t call me seeing as how I wasn't interested in dating him. However, I was mildly incorrect. On Saturday, he texted me: 
Boy #1: Hey Audrey, this is Chris’ friend, Boy #1, I was curious if you’d like to do something this week?
I told him I probably wouldn’t be in Denver this week, but I’d let him know if things changed (they won’t), and the conversation basically ended there.

Boy #2: I wasn’t planning on contacting Boy #2, but my friend John told me I needed to live and little and I believed him. I sent Boy #2 my email address, saying it was Audrey from the library. He responded later that day.
Boy #2:
Wow, cool.

I'm studying right now, feel free to stop by, so I remember what you look like ;)


To which I am not responding. If he had a fluffy Burmese mountain dog puppy, it may be a different story, but in reality, I just can’t motivate myself to go out of my way to be friendly to someone I’m not too gun-ho about seeing.

I was surprised how these boys went about asking a girl out. I thought the proper way to ask was common knowledge, but apparently not. Boys, hopefully you’ll find these steps to be a no-brainer and these two guys are the clueless abnormality.

How to Ask a Girl Out

1) Ask her for her number. Don’t ask her friend to ask her friend for her number, or ask her friend for her number without considering that the girl you’re interested in may not want you to have it. It’s off-putting and mildly creepy to receive a text out of the blue from a guy who never actually asked you if it was OK to contact you. You’ll have much more success by putting on your man pants and asking the girl yourself.

2) Call her. The key word being call. Don’t text. Don’t email. Not only is it easier to reject you in writing, but it’s way more flattering to receive an actual phone call. Since we’re not in the ‘90s where you’d be shaking in your boots because there was always the chance that the girl’s dad could answer the phone, having to actually talk to the chick you like will have to be nerve-racking enough.  Texts are plentiful and calls are few and far between these days, so the girl will appreciate that you purposefully contacted her without the copout in your back pocket if she rejects you of, “Oh sorry, my buddy took my phone LOL. I wasn’t actually asking you out.”

3) Have a plan. Some sort of plan. Don’t say, “Hey do you want to do something sometime?” If she says, “Sure”, you best have a follow-up, boy. But do yourself a favor, and start off with something a wee bit specific, like:
“Would you like to get coffee this week?” [Yes] “Yayyyy! What day works best for you?”
“I’m going to try and trap a squirrel using a recycling bin, a stick tied to a piece of a string, and several glazed almonds. Would you like to come?”
“Here’s some chocolate. Can I eat it with you?” (Because foooooood)

While I thought being asked out would be at the very least flattering, the opposite happened. I was quite bummed out and had a bit of a self-esteem crisis for a few hours.  It felt like the lameness of the guys was a reflection onto me. A sneaky, vague text and an incredibly strange email? Is that all I’m worth? Then I discovered I was being silly, looked myself over and realized, Yep, still awesome.

So hopefully, those steps seemed like common sense to you. If not, for the love of your love life, take note.

*Note: If you use these steps and it lands you a date, I accept soft pretzels and cookies as payment.

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