Monday, October 29, 2012

Halloween Costume Ideas For Pun-Lovers

Wait! Before you head to Wal-Mart and buy a Spider-Man mask or half of a nurse's outfit, consider one of these simple step formulas to creating an original and thrifty costume.
Special thanks to Adrienne Pastula for a majority of these gems

Science and Humanities
  • Wear silver clothes + Bounce up and down while saying, “Woahhh now. Whoaa! WHOOOAAAoooahhhh!”= Mercury Rising
  • Get two cats + Kill one + Keep the other alive + Walk around muttering, “My name is Schrödinger”
  • Dress as a high school principal + Write a question mark on your chest = The Uncertainty Principle
  • Go as play-dough + Philosophize = Plato
  • Wear a blue sphere + Drop kick individuals= Plutonium

Environment and the Elements
  • Dress up like a bear + Smoke a cigarette= Smokey the Bear
  • Dress as a heart + Launch yourself at people= Heart Attack
  • Wear all blue + Draw a squiggle across your chest + Greet people= Ocean Wave
  • Dress up like a raindrop + Ride a skateboard= Waterboarding
  • Green shoes + Green tights + Paint one arm green= I’m Going Green
  • Orange clothing + Flames made out of construction paper + Lots of yelling= Roaring fire
  • Dress up as a stick+ Roll in mud + Whine constantly= Stick in the Mud
  • Cover yourself in rocks + Paint your face white with black details + Don’t speak= Pebble Mime [Erebody hates mimes]
  • Green top + Orange bottoms= Carrot
  • Green top + Orange bottoms + Saying, “I’m from around here”= Local Carrot
 Space and Time
  • Dress as a star + Carry a nerf gun= Shooting Star
  • Wear a large red sphere + Cover it in Life cereal= Life on Mars
  • So that's why Life cereal is so expensive
  • Couples costume: One person wears meat. The other person wears more meat and thus becomes the meteor
  • Paint yourself green + Wear black + Carry a broom + Attach a clock to your face= Greenwich Standard Time*
*You may also substitute the witch attire with flannel for Mountain Time or attach hammers to your body for Hammer Time

Bonus Costumes
  • Dads: Wear red, white and blue or flag paraphernalia + Refuse to get off the couch during trick or treating= American Idle
  • Group costume: Get a group of friends + Carry five $100 bills + Yell about having a fortune= Fortune 500 Company

But remember, the more kids you scare away, the more candy you get to eat yourself! As Shakespeare once said, "To be scary is to be fat."

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

If you don't know, then I'm not telling you

One day, Jesus was at the Temple preaching the Gospel to the people. The leading priests and religious leaders saw him doing this and became quite peeved. They stormed up to him and demanded, “By what authority are you doing all these things? Who gave you the right to do this?”
Jesus, undoubtedly prepared for this, responded with the classic teacher line, “Let me answer your question with another question: Tell me, did John’s authority to baptize come from heaven, or was it merely human?”
The religious leaders huddled together and conferred in anxious and mildly befuddled tones, much like the replacement referees of recent times.
“If we say it was from heaven, he’ll ask why we didn’t believe John. But if we say it was merely human, the people will stone us because they believe John was a prophet! We're in quite the kosher pickle!” A leader exclaimed.
After much discussion, one of the elders finally stepped forward and declared, “After further review, we think the Seahawks did in fact score the touchdown.”
“Simon, that’s not what we decided!” the priests exclaimed indignantly. “Because in fact," one of the priests said as he stepped forward haughtily, "we have decided that we don’t know!”
They subsequently high-fived at this groundbreaking revelation.
“Well if you don’t know, then I’m not telling you,” Jesus replied, turning back to preach to his people and leaving the elders dumbfounded yet again. “Anyway, where was I? Ah yes, the wicked farmers parable which is actually about these here religious leaders. Spoiler alert: they die in the end.”

Luke 20:1-19