Monday, September 2, 2013

Our gay best friend?

Adrienne came home from the climbing gym with the sweetest news she had ever hoped to share.
"I think I met my new gay best friend!" She exclaimed, bounding around the house.
"What makes you say that?" I asked.
"Steve, the guy I roped up with. I asked him how he got into climbing and I'm pretty sure he said, 'A guy I dated.'"
"You're pretty sure?"
"He said, 'guy'!" She insisted. "Plus, there's no sexual tension when we text and he uses a lot of exclamation points."
"Adrienne, just because a guy isn't interested in you doesn't mean he's gay."
"He said, 'guy'!" She repeated giddily. 

I had met Steve, or Happy Steve as we came to call him, briefly at the gym as well, but not long enough to be able to tell if he would in fact be our new gay best friend. On Saturday, Adrienne invited him outdoor climbing, where we would determine if he could actually fit the one crucial criteria for being the gay best friend.

As Steve was belaying Adrienne, I asked him how he got into climbing.
"A gal I dated," he responded.
However, I had forgotten Adrienne had asked him that same question and hadn't been listening closely for his answer. Did he just say gal? Or was it guy? It felt like we were about to be immersed in an episode of Seinfeld.

Steve: I played spin the bottle back in middle school.
Us: Did you ever get the girl you wanted?
Steve: No.
Elaine: Of course he didn't get the girl he wanted in spin the bottle! He didn't want any girl! Because he's gay!
Kramer: You're being ridiculous. You think you can just spin his words any way you want to, don't you, Elaine!

Steve: I'm pretty sure Lance Bass is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with that.
Elaine: Of course he doesn't think there's anything wrong with that. He's gay! Why would he think there was something wrong with him?
Jerry: He's just saying he's not homophobic.
Elaine: Are you homophobic? Is that why you keep insisting he's straight?

Us: How did you get into climbing?
Steve: A guy I dated.
Jerry: He clearly said "gal". You're just hearing what you want to hear.
Elaine: Who says "gal" these days? He's 26 years old, not a soldier from the '20s.

Steve: FRO-YO! (while doing his happy dance)
Elaine: The only people who get that excited about frozen yogurt are college girls and gay guys.
Jerry: Frozen yogurt is a delicious treat for all ages, genders, and orientations! 
George: I can get a whole meal out of the sample cups alone!

Steve: I had a crush on Miss Frizzle when I was a kid.
Jerry: Explain that one, Elaine. How is it exactly that your gay best friend likes women?
Elaine: He was a kid! I wanted to marry my dog when I was his age.

Compelling arguments, clearly, but Adrienne is so set on having a gay best friend that she's operating under the notion "Gay until absolutely proven otherwise."

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