Sunday, September 25, 2011

Great. Now I can't 'Go cry about it' until next year.

Past advice: Clean your room! That laundry isn’t going to do itself!
Present reality:  You obviously don’t have Kayla Eash as a roommate.
After folding my clothes, she made me breakfast for the second time.
The first time she made eggs. I hate eggs.
This weekend, my church decided to put up a sign on the lawn that said, “Free Pancakes!” for anyone that was both driving to the James Dean Festival and hungry. This sounded like a nice idea in theory, but I was skeptical of its practicality.
Pastor: And, anyone who stops can stay for the service if they want.
                I’m pretty sure they’re going to go to the fair and get an elephant ear instead…
Plus, very few people are going to stop at a church and eat their food, even if it is free, because they probably think the only goal is to convert them.           
            Church: Would you like some pancakes?
Hungry man: Sure!
Church: Would you like some Jesus?
Hungry man: I will just take the maple syrup for today… To go.

At lunch, I overheard two little girls talking with their family.
Little girls:  “Raise your hand if you don’t want to be adopted!”
That must have been the most democratic family I’ve ever seen.

I have a crying quota of once per year maximum. The last time I cried was January 2009 when I told coach I wasn’t going to run anymore (they were tears of joy). Before that, it was after the Holly Invitational in September of 2005. I thought I had a good streak going. Maybe I can go the rest of my life without crying ever again. That prospect crashed and failed this week.
                I signed up to take one of my last required classes: Public Relations Project. I ended up being the last one to sign up for case study presentations, meaning I had the first slot and no partner. I had to talk about “campaigns”, “critical evaluation”, and “strategery”, all terms with which I was only vaguely familiar. I went up after class to ask the new professor, Dr. YoungAh Lee, what the deal was.
                Audrey: Could you explain this assignment to me please?
                Dr. Lee: [explains]. Do you have any idea what you’d like to do it on?
                Audrey: ……………I……HUH!...oh no....HUH!......ERGH!..ha…ha…
                Then the tears came. I do mean tears plural, but only two. I’m an awkward crier because I do it so infrequently. Basically, I try to talk as I choke on air and attempt to suck liquid back into my tear ducts by sheer willpower (so far, I’m pretty successful).
                Dr. Lee: What’s wrong?!
                How should I know?! I'm not in touch with my emotions!
                Apparently, I’m overwhelmed. She kindly reminded me I’m crying over a 0-credit class.
                Later, she said she felt she knew me better because I cried to her. My plan is to now sob to every professor I have so we can bond and I can get As.
                I did my project on the Akron Zoo’s public relations campaign of 2002. I started the presentation with a yeti call, so I was golden.
                Everyone thought Akron Zoo was only for children, so they decided to rebrand it by using the phrase, “You’ve never been this close!” It’s like how McDonald’s wants you to think “healthy food fast” instead of “obesity on demand” when you hear its name, or IWU hoping that you think “an open and diverse campus” when really we still feel like “I’m trapped in a bubble with a plethora of Caucasians!”
Too close! He's about to eat my future child!

If Suite 203 were an event, it would be a middle school dance, because it is awkward, like the awkward moment when:
1)      Someone you just met waves at you and you try to greet them normally, but then end up saluting. And then they never wave at you again.
2)      You laugh during the prayer of a memorial service.
3)      Someone thinks that you’re picking your nose when you’re actually just clearing a path for Vicks Vapo Rub.
4)      Shawn Howse says, “I don’t understand why we just don’t take people who die in car crashes, cook them up, and eat them.”

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