Spit happens

Facts I think are probably true about Alaska

1)      Continental breakfasts are illegal.

2)      If you order a bear claw, you will literally get a bear claw. If you order a bear claw bear claw, you’ll get the severed paw of a grizzly holding a scoop of chocolate caramel ice cream.

3)      People drive on the left side of the road. It causes a lot of accidents, as it does in the rest of the US.

Some people don’t really understand why a person would want to move across the United States without a job lined up.  I could tell you I wanted to go to Alaska because it has mountains, sub-80 degree weather, and baby moose that I can steal and take for a walk on the bike path. The real reason has much less to do with awesome adventure and much more with a bed.

When I was in elementary school, Adrienne and I had bunk beds. She had the top bunk and I had the bottom.

One night, Adrienne said, “Audrey, I want to tell you something.”
“What?”

“Lean over the side so you can hear me better.”

I obliged. My excitement to hear her news quickly faded as a string of spit landed on my forehead.
"Why did you do that?!" I exclaimed, furiously wiping her saliva off of myself.
All I heard was a maniacal laugh.

The next night Adrienne said again, “Audrey, I want to tell you something.”

“What?”
“Lean over the side so you can hear me better.”

“No! You’re going to spit on my face again!”

“I promise I won’t.”

“I can hear you just fine from where I am.”

“No, you’ll hear me better if you stick your head out.”

I did as she asked.

She spat on my face once again.

I wish I could tell you I learned, but whenever Adrienne said, “I want to tell you something”, I always thought Maybe this time she really does have something to say.

But she never did have a story, and she never did run out of spit.

The bunk beds were taken down eventually and we slept the remainder of our school nights in peace.  I was safe from her saliva for many years.

Until three days ago, when my mom put up the bunk beds again.

That is the real reason I moved to Alaska.

You're a monster

Ten Love Lessons I Learned in Elementary School

                Whilst enrolled in the second grade, I embarked on the task of making a new friend. I serendipitously selected the tan, cute boy named Chris Lambright.  As we were walking down the green stairs to the cafeteria one day, he asked, “Audrey, why are you so nice to me?” With each step, I huffed, “Because…. I want…to be…your friend.” And he said, “Ok.” Score.

Lessons: 1) Friends first, 2) Lovers later

A few days later, I was meandering from the playground’s Redwood Forest back to the square where my class lined up at the end of recess. Chris came up behind me and started walking with me. Little did I know, I was about to have my first DTR.

                 “Audrey, you can’t be my girlfriend anymore. I’m dating Sierra and Christine, and it’s just too many to handle,” he said.

                I said, “Ok.”

I said Ok because I was unaware that we were dating. As such, I was fine with our relationship remaining unchanged in my mind, though I had just been unceremoniously kicked off the girlfriend team in his. It wasn’t until I told my two friends Megan and Emily what had happened that I learned Chris was a jerk. I don’t think Chris and I were friends after that.

Lessons: 1) Be on the same page, 2) Polygamy is not OK

                I entered into the third grade a single gal. But soon, I caught the attention of a kindred spirit, a ginger boy named Cody. He was a new kid, which meant he was gawked at like a lion at the zoo, or a homeschooler outside. He was a novelty, with so much potential of being cool.

                One day, a girl came up to me and said, “Cody has been calling you his wife.”

                Not cool, Cody. Plus, he had blue hair at the time, which was not helping his case. Or his face. Naturally, we did not become friends because he was weird.

                Aftermath: Four years later in middle school, we had our first conversation.

                Cody: Remember when I called you my wife in elementary school?

                Audrey: Yeah.

                The end.

Lessons: 1) If you’re overzealous (or creepy), you will scare him/her away 2) Boys named Cody are always idiots

                I soon learned that surprising actions like Cody’s aren’t always creepy. The key is that the boy must be cute.

                During story time, the class sat at the feet of Mrs. Potok and she read us a fantastic tale, usually about caterpillars and metamorphosis. One day, I was sitting awkwardly with my arm straight to my side, palm resting on the carpet face up, and my fingers pointing backward. Perhaps adorable Carson took this as an invitation, because he grabbed it. Story time soon became my favorite time of day.

                …Until Mrs. Potok called my parents.

Lesson: PDA will get you into trouble

                However, our relationship pressed forward undeterred. Soon, though, it would be (unnecessarily) tested.

                One of our classmates had a birthday. As per elementary school tradition, they brought chocolate cupcakes for the class (I don’t know why we stopped doing this when we graduated to middle school).  Carson and I sat at the same table. When the student came up to Carson to give him a cupcake, he said, “No thanks; I don’t like chocolate.” When the boy offered me one as well, I responded, “I don’t like chocolate either.”

                I lied. Chocolate is awesome. I had to watch in silent misery as everyone enjoyed their cupcakes while all I had was a stupid pseudo-boyfriend.

Lesson: Don’t change yourself to have more in common with a boy, because you won’t actually have more in common…

                I wish I could say the lying stopped there, but it didn’t.

                During recess one day, Carson and I were sitting on a log talking about animals.

                “Do you have any pets?” Carson asked.

                “I have a dog,” I responded easily. Then, I had an idea.  “And…,” I began. My voice trailed off. I turned my body slightly away from him and looked up wistfully at the sky.

                “What’s the matter?” He asked, concerned, as he scooted closer.

                I kept my eyes wide open to try and prompt tears to fall, and I replied in the best choked up voice that I could, “I had a cat named Sebastian. I used to go to the laundry room where he was hiding and pick up his hind legs and pretend he was a wheelbarrow. He hated it. He got kidney disease and we had to put him down.”

                Cue comfort from Carson.

Lessons: 1) Don’t be needy or do something solely for the sake of getting attention. 2) Refrain from lying or fake crying over things, especially cats. The person should be able to see right through you because cats are dumb.

Things

My last semester of college has arrived. Now I have to think about the future, like what environmental organization I can convince to hire me or how long I can go without a haircut before my mom notices. But before I allow those heavy issues take root in my brain, I chose to ignore the impending doom of what lies ahead by remembering what’s happened and realizing what’s happening.

The Past

• Things I used to believe:
• When a car would approach ours, my sister and I would yell, “It’s going to kiss us!” Later, I learned that when two cars “kiss”, it’s actually called an accident
• If Whitney Houston hadn’t written “I Will Always Love You”, I would have.
• My earwax looked like Disney characters, especially from the movie Aladdin.



Dude looks just like my earwax!

• I had an abnormally large big toe. I cried about it.
• I would look cooler if only I could get off this dumb turtleneck from underneath my jean vest.
• If I focused hard enough, I’d be able to move the chalk with my eyes in my 7^th grade social studies class just like Matilda did.
• I was really cool because I could spell “silhouette” when I was in second grade. Actually, I still believe that.
• My first word ever, “Buglebee”, was a real word.

The Present

The people we’re around tend to influence us. Fortunately for me, my roommates turned out to be more awesome and inspiring people than I ever could have hoped to meet in college. Unfortunately, their quirks also rub off.  

Group minus Kayla, but you already saw what she looked like.

Kayla

Fortunately: Use what you love to do as a way to bless others. This is me saying thank you for doing my laundry and cleaning our entire apartment before breaks.

Unfortunately: She’s apprenticed me in how to increase my number of chins from one to seven and making attractive faces in general.

Sometimes I tell people this is photoshopped to make her feel better.

Anna

Fortunately: Anna embodies the saying, “A stranger is a friend you haven’t met yet.” She strikes up conversations with the lady selling herbs at Meijer and the guy sitting by himself in Baldwin, and they respond to her because she is genuinely loving and interested in them.  Tip: Most of her conversations work in a corny joke and hummus in some way.

Unfortunately: Talking in a high pitched voice when excited or flustered. This really enhances my credibility when I’m attempting to clarify a presentation point to a professor.

Amanda

Fortunately: You are never too busy. Amanda runs track and cross country, takes a full course load each semester, has a job at the TV Station, and started an abstinence group for high school girls. She also makes time for her manly boyfriend. She shows that having things to do doesn’t equate to selfishness. She makes time for God, every person, and every task.

Unfortunately:  Using the word “precious” as the default response in conversation, such as “I’m going to class.” Precious.

What a hunk. Of time he takes out of her schedule.

Beka

Fortunately: Make long-term friendships with people who are nothing like you. Beka is friends with a 60-year-old couple who take her on motorcycle rides and a 70-year-old woman who feeds her grilled cheese.  

Unfortunately: She ponders thoughtfully before responding to a question or giving excellent advice, but in an effort to emulate this, my wisdom comes off as contrived.  

                Ex| I’m so stressed out about my exams.

                [Pause]

    Maybe you should stop doing that.

Brooke

Fortunately: Talk. Brooke is probably the most reserved of the group, but during our roommate Bible studies, she was extremely open. Seeing someone else bare their soul, especially when I could tell it was more uncomfortable for her than it would be for some of the others, encouraged us to do the same.

Unfortunately: Brooke hasn’t made any adverse marks on my personality because she leaves every weekend to see her fiancé before she gets the chance (sorry Brooklyn, I couldn’t resist passive aggressively saying I miss you).

How to Start Saving the World While You're Still in College

If anyone has ever told you, “Don’t be a hero", don’t listen to them. Today, you can be.

Go Trayless. Save your love, and save the world.

Batman's Thanksgiving

Think you have a psycho family? Batman is unimpressed.
*We're changing the ending. It'll be up next Tuesday.

You most likely don’t have a relative that’s literally trying to kill you. However, sometimes there’s that one family member who gets under your skin and makes you want to stomp around the house passive aggressively [luckily mine’s a second cousin I’ve only met once in my life]. At the very least, please refrain from “mistakenly” carving their throat instead of the turkey if you can’t muster up love for said person.

How to Stay Alive After College

Doors can be the gateway to a new and exciting environment, like the entrance leading to heaven. Or Wal-Mart. As we prepare to cross the threshold into the real world, filled with college knowledge, we must remember the simple tasks, like opening doors.  While IWU men tend to be very skilled at opening doors here, it seems this is a lost art outside of the collegiate realm. And, forgetting how to perform this crucial task can be fatal. According to the National Safety Council, 300,000 people go the emergency room each year due to door related injuries. But with these steps on how to properly open a door, you won’t be one of them.

The key to opening a door properly is awareness.

The first step is to locate the building’s entrance, the home of doors. Double check to make sure you have correctly identified the door. Does it have a handle, knob, or some sort of structure used for pulling? Are people using it to move from one environment to the next? These are common door characteristics. If there are immovable objects on the other side of the door structure, you are looking at a window, and need to try again. Although both open and close, windows should only be used for stealthy entrances.

Next, identify the type of door you’re about to enter and determine if you have the proper skills to open it. Sliding and automatic doors are recommended for beginners. If you’re feeling a bit risky, try the revolving door, and remember that timing is everything. Most people don’t realize they’ve come across a door that swings both ways until it’s too late. Luckily, most doors you’ll open are the fairly simple, one-way swing doors.

As you approach the door, look for signs posted on it, and follow them using your best judgment. “Do not enter” signs are open to interpretation. If it’s on the left-hand door at Meijer, go ahead and use it. If it’s on the cage of a vicious koala bear or on the door leading into Shatford, it’s best to leave that door shut. Also, look for push/pull signs. If you can’t find the push/pull label, remain calm. Because of fire codes, a door will need to be pulled when entering a building.

After the door has been thoroughly scrutinized, look for people around you using your neck, peripheral vision, or perhaps a reflective surface. Then, calculate how you’ll need to change your pace to do one of the following three things: open the door for someone, have the door opened for you, or avoid contact with another person at all costs.

After making your decision, continue to the door farthest to the right until it’s reached. Grab the handle with the hand you’re comfortable with. If you’re not opening the door for someone, you can use your non-dominant hand as a small exercise for strengthening it.

Now, open the door at a speed of no greater than 10 miles per hour. Make sure your face won’t interfere with the door because you’ll have to repeat this process all over.

If you are opening the door for someone, you have two options:

1)      You can move with the door as you open it so that you are perpendicular to the entrance.

                Or

2)      You can open the door and begin to walk inside. Hold your hand on the door and glance back to the person behind you to see their distance. If they’re about 10 meters or less from you, you can keep walking as your hand first moves across the door to the end, and then your arm extends as far as it can, while you’re still walking, until the person grabs it.

If you haven‘t crossed the threshold yet, you may now do so.  Congratulations! Check for any injuries.

The above steps were for men. If you’re a woman, opening a door can be done in three simple steps. Go up to the door. Stand at the door. Wait for the door to be opened for you.

If these steps are followed correctly, you will not become another statistic in door-related accidents.

Great. Now I can't 'Go cry about it' until next year.

Past advice: Clean your room! That laundry isn’t going to do itself!
Present reality:  You obviously don’t have Kayla Eash as a roommate.

After folding my clothes, she made me breakfast for the second time.
The first time she made eggs. I hate eggs.

This weekend, my church decided to put up a sign on the lawn that said, “Free Pancakes!” for anyone that was both driving to the James Dean Festival and hungry. This sounded like a nice idea in theory, but I was skeptical of its practicality.

Pastor: And, anyone who stops can stay for the service if they want.

                I’m pretty sure they’re going to go to the fair and get an elephant ear instead…

Mmm...heavenly

Plus, very few people are going to stop at a church and eat their food, even if it is free, because they probably think the only goal is to convert them.           
            Church: Would you like some pancakes?

Hungry man: Sure!

Church: Would you like some Jesus?

Hungry man: I will just take the maple syrup for today… To go.

At lunch, I overheard two little girls talking with their family.

Little girls:  “Raise your hand if you don’t want to be adopted!”

That must have been the most democratic family I’ve ever seen.

I have a crying quota of once per year maximum. The last time I cried was January 2009 when I told coach I wasn’t going to run anymore (they were tears of joy). Before that, it was after the Holly Invitational in September of 2005. I thought I had a good streak going. Maybe I can go the rest of my life without crying ever again. That prospect crashed and failed this week.

                I signed up to take one of my last required classes: Public Relations Project. I ended up being the last one to sign up for case study presentations, meaning I had the first slot and no partner. I had to talk about “campaigns”, “critical evaluation”, and “strategery”, all terms with which I was only vaguely familiar. I went up after class to ask the new professor, Dr. YoungAh Lee, what the deal was.

                Audrey: Could you explain this assignment to me please?

                Dr. Lee: [explains]. Do you have any idea what you’d like to do it on?

                Audrey: ……………I……HUH!...oh no....HUH!......ERGH!..ha…ha…

                Then the tears came. I do mean tears plural, but only two. I’m an awkward crier because I do it so infrequently. Basically, I try to talk as I choke on air and attempt to suck liquid back into my tear ducts by sheer willpower (so far, I’m pretty successful).

                Dr. Lee: What’s wrong?!

                How should I know?! I'm not in touch with my emotions!

                Apparently, I’m overwhelmed. She kindly reminded me I’m crying over a 0-credit class.

                Later, she said she felt she knew me better because I cried to her. My plan is to now sob to every professor I have so we can bond and I can get As.

                I did my project on the Akron Zoo’s public relations campaign of 2002. I started the presentation with a yeti call, so I was golden.

                Everyone thought Akron Zoo was only for children, so they decided to rebrand it by using the phrase, “You’ve never been this close!” It’s like how McDonald’s wants you to think “healthy food fast” instead of “obesity on demand” when you hear its name, or IWU hoping that you think “an open and diverse campus” when really we still feel like “I’m trapped in a bubble with a plethora of Caucasians!”

Too close! He's about to eat my future child!

If Suite 203 were an event, it would be a middle school dance, because it is awkward, like the awkward moment when:

1)      Someone you just met waves at you and you try to greet them normally, but then end up saluting. And then they never wave at you again.

2)      You laugh during the prayer of a memorial service.

3)      Someone thinks that you’re picking your nose when you’re actually just clearing a path for Vicks Vapo Rub.

4)      Shawn Howse says, “I don’t understand why we just don’t take people who die in car crashes, cook them up, and eat them.”