Spit happens

Facts I think are probably true about Alaska

1)      Continental breakfasts are illegal.

2)      If you order a bear claw, you will literally get a bear claw. If you order a bear claw bear claw, you’ll get the severed paw of a grizzly holding a scoop of chocolate caramel ice cream.

3)      People drive on the left side of the road. It causes a lot of accidents, as it does in the rest of the US.

Some people don’t really understand why a person would want to move across the United States without a job lined up.  I could tell you I wanted to go to Alaska because it has mountains, sub-80 degree weather, and baby moose that I can steal and take for a walk on the bike path. The real reason has much less to do with awesome adventure and much more with a bed.

When I was in elementary school, Adrienne and I had bunk beds. She had the top bunk and I had the bottom.

One night, Adrienne said, “Audrey, I want to tell you something.”
“What?”

“Lean over the side so you can hear me better.”

I obliged. My excitement to hear her news quickly faded as a string of spit landed on my forehead.
"Why did you do that?!" I exclaimed, furiously wiping her saliva off of myself.
All I heard was a maniacal laugh.

The next night Adrienne said again, “Audrey, I want to tell you something.”

“What?”
“Lean over the side so you can hear me better.”

“No! You’re going to spit on my face again!”

“I promise I won’t.”

“I can hear you just fine from where I am.”

“No, you’ll hear me better if you stick your head out.”

I did as she asked.

She spat on my face once again.

I wish I could tell you I learned, but whenever Adrienne said, “I want to tell you something”, I always thought Maybe this time she really does have something to say.

But she never did have a story, and she never did run out of spit.

The bunk beds were taken down eventually and we slept the remainder of our school nights in peace.  I was safe from her saliva for many years.

Until three days ago, when my mom put up the bunk beds again.

That is the real reason I moved to Alaska.

You're a monster